Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel named Alfred with
two huge camel humps.
He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel named Marie, who had
one perfect camel hump.
As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby boy
camel, born with no humps.
They contemplated long and hard on
what to name their beautiful little boy. They finally decided on …
Humpfree. : )
1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
Did you hear about the locomotive that always did as it was told?
It was really well trained. I bet you’re just railing over this. : )
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
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In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
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At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
you’ve come to the right place.”
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On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
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On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
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On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
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In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action”
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On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
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At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment.”
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
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In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
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At the Electric Company
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
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In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up.”
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
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At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
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And don’t forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
And the best one for last…………
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, ”Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.”But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, ”How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted,
“Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?”
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS …… This time, a little voice came out of the box,
”I heard you the first time!
I ‘ m putting my shoes on!”
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You never have to drive to another gas station rest room because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
New shoes do not cut, blister or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and Chuck go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Chuck will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..
MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush andtoothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP•A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone,
read a book, and get the mail.• A man will dress up for weddings, funerals and going to church.
NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and
romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Why I Like Retirement
I can’t remember if I sent this before, so enjoy anyway. Bill
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one but it might take all day.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Very true
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Sometimes 15%
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or
garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want
to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending coffee break.
Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING….. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light’,
and there was still nothing, but you could see it better. : )
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
‘My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,’ he announced
triumphantly, ‘and she turned into a telephone pole!’ : )
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father
always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
‘Well, Honey,’ he began, proud that his daughter was so
observant of his messages. ‘I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good
sermon.’
‘How come He doesn’t answer it?’ she asked. : )