May 26
  • I started out with nothing … I still have most of it.
  • When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
  • I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
  • Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
  • All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
  • If all is not lost, where is it?
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • The first rule of holes: ┬áIf you are in one, stop digging.
  • I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
  • It was all so different before everything changed.
  • Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  • I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few …
  • It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
  • It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
  • The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
  • When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • It’s not hard to meet expenses … they’re everywhere

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